If you see them, it may be too late!

It looks like the entire Comics All Too Real "franchise" is changing.  And I use the quotes because I really don't know if this is a franchise at all.  I mean, there's no money involved, just fun fun fun.

Anyway, after getting burned up with an extensive post craze at the Facebook fanpage that lasted quite a few months, and a growing aggressive algorithm that forced me to do more and more to reach the very same audience, I decided that I would no longer please Zuckerberg and, instead, would diversify.  I already had a Twitter account that was basically retweeting the Facebook posts, a Tumblr account that I used only for original material, this blog that was basically abandoned and a Youtube account where I posted a couple of things through the years; so, why not mix them all?

This means a new direction for the entire "franchise".  Waaaaaaay less posts, only original material and parodies (but I guess I can make an exception here and there).  And post them all over the 5 channels I already had but never knew what to do with.

So, well, this is the kind of stuff that will be showing in the different channels as of now.  New material or parodies.  Hope you like them.  And if you have ideas, don't be shy and please share them!

The Ring: Before you die, you meow

The scariest movie ever is hitting the theaters very soon, whenever you listen a meow in the dark, whether inside of your house, in your roof or in the backyard; you know he is there, and he's going to scratch your life away as he purrs you to death.

Starring Comics All Too Real's own Thom, this movie portrays the darkest side of this little white kitten, as he plays in the shadows and sharpens his nails in your soul.

This movie event is guaranteed to traumatize you for life, watch it alone at your own risk.

X-23: I'm too sexy for X-Force

Finally, X-23 is on her own and she also has her own theme.  Let the Youtube video roll and let's sing along!

I'm Too Sexy For X-Force

I'm too sexy for my gene too sexy for my gene

Who’s going to kill me?

I'm too sexy for my claws too sexy for my claws

So sexy it hurts

And I'm too sexy for Logan too sexy for Logan

X-Force and Mutants

And I'm too sexy for explosions

Too sexy for explosions

No way I'm mutant breeding

I'm an X-Man you know what I mean

And I do my little turn on the Blackbird

Yeah on the Blackbird on the Blackbird yeah

I do my little turn on the Blackbird

I'm too sexy for a cape too sexy for a cape

Too sexy, my friend

And I'm too sexy for my mask

Too sexy for my mask what do you think about that

I'm an X-Man you know what I mean

And I do my little turn on the Blackbird

Yeah on the Blackbird on the Blackbird yeah

I shake my little touche on the Blackbird

I'm too sexy for my too sexy for my too sexy for my

'Cos I'm an X-Man you know what I mean

And I do my little turn on the Blackbird

Yeah on the Blackbird on the Blackbird yeah

I shake my little touche on the Blackbird

I'm too sexy for the Beast too sexy for the Beast

Poor pussy poor pussy Beast

I'm too sexy for the X too sexy for the X

Who’s going to kill me?

And I'm too sexy for your slash!

We have a very important message

Batman Slaps Robin. Again.

Privacy and secrets are so 90's.

It's about time Batman joins us in this new era, when we can't hide a thing and there's always Facebook to spill every little dirty detail. Not that this was Batman's biggest secret, anyway.

So, have you had any privacy issues with Facebook? We heard super-heroes were having a real hard time, working on double profiles for both of their heroic and civilian identities. How has it worked for you?

JLI's Newest Cast Revealed!

Oh, my God, Batman!

Oh, yes, oh, yes, yes, yes, Batman, yes!

(The original Batman drawing -which is quite good-, was found at Club Batman).

Such Friends - Prequel: I'm the Leader!

In celebration of my birthday and the gift I'm about to receive (a bunch of JLI action figures thanks to eBay), Comics All Too Real gladly presents this new segment called "Such Friends". In a blend of toys, comic book, tv shows and stars galore, we'll follow the adventures of the Justice League International most of us loved so badly.

If you're too young, you might not get the jokes, so I highly recommend you get the JLI trade paperbacks and enjoy the funniest run on the Justice League ever. Yeah. It was funny.

Enjoy!

You know he's bad!

Charlie's Last Mission

Up in the sky, a beautiful angel is looking upon us.
Let's make her proud.

Prof. Henry Jarrod's True Face

The year is 1953 and The House of Wax hit the theaters, as the poster says, "Nothing has gone before can compare with this!"

The credits for the shots go to Vivir en Tucson, the words are mine.

The Censored Spidey-Yoda-Rose Debate

Long story short. Over at one forum I visit, Cinemania, a poster nicknamed p+2 posted an amazingly funny and smart piece written by him: two dialogues featuring Spider-Man, Yoda and Titanic's Rose. Obviously, I wanted it to be posted in here. Thing is it was deleted by a moderator because that forum can be visited by kids (which doesn't mean it is visited by kids) and the content of the post could harm them for life, I argued about him having 5 centimeters of morality (that's about 2 inches), and from there, hell was let loose.

For your enjoyment, here's the rewritten piece in its entirety. Thanks again to p+2 for that. Hopefully, if a minor reads it, his/her soul won't rot in hell.


Someplace in swampy Dagobah, the phone rings:

Yoda: 1-800-dildooine. Yoda, this is.
Spidey: Master Yoda, will I ever get laid with MJ?
Yoda: Hard to see, the will of the Force is.
Spidey: But could you help me out? Use your Jedi mind tricks on her, perhaps?
Yoda: Only on the weak-minded, they work.
Hannah Montana: Hey, I resent that!
Spidey: Master Yoda, did you just shag Hannah Montana?!?
Yoda: Showed her the power of the Force, I did.
Spidey: You Lolita-loving dirty green muppet! Anyhoo, will you help me?
Yoda: Solve your problem I will, if Viagra you provide me.
Spidey: WTF! Do you use Viagra?!?
Yoda: When 900 years you are, wield your lightsaber as well, you won't.
Spidey: Oh my God. Listening to this is worse than fighting Doc Ock. I'm gone.
Yoda: May the Force be with you.



Painting Lessons

Rose: Master Yoda Vinci, do I really need to take my clothes off?
Yoda: A gentleman, I am. Help you, I will.

::Waves hand, clothes fall off::

Rose: Master Yoda Vinci, you're blushing. I doubt Monsieur Kenobi would have blushed.
Yoda: From the gay side of the Force, he is.

::Camera flash goes off::

Rose: Did you just take my picture naked? Weren't you supposed to paint my portrait?!?
Yoda: Portraits do not make one great. Wank off to your pic, I will. Farewell, mon coeur de la mer.

::Waves non-wanking hand, Rose's ship sinks::

----------------------------------

This post will have moderated comments.

Ha!

Of course not, say what you want!

Green Flash: The Fastest ____ Alive

Barry Allen, a police scientist (yeah, the forensic guy if you watch too much C.S.I.), was working overnight with one of his tricky cases, you know, corpses, finger prints, hamburgers; when lightning started to rumble through the sky and rain hit strongly Central City. Barry, as usual, wouldn’t let the weather disturb his investigation and he paid little to no attention to the ruckus going outside. Bad choice, good choice, you name it.

An MSN window opened in his computer; it was Wally, his girlfriend's annoying nephew.

"Barry! Barry! Do you see the lightning storm?"

"I'm busy. Is there anything else I can do for you?"

"It's global warming!"

"No, Wally, it's a storm."

"It's not!"

"It is!"

And before Wally could say anything else, Barry blocked the kid's ID. "I should have done this ages ago," he thought and expected Iris, his girlfriend, to call anytime asking him why he was so mean to her nephew. Barry continued with his investigation and absentmindedly walked near to a shelf filled with chemicals. That's when fate hit him hard in the form of a lightning, as an electric bolt ran through the window, crashed against the chemicals and dropped them all over him. Bathed in all kind of weird substances, Barry fell on top of his desk, splattering the hamburger and landing on the floor. Strangely enough, a piece of lettuce got stuck on his face. He tried to get rid of it when-- "Ouch! Ouch!" He had barely grabbed the lettuce when he noticed there were glasses all over the place and he had cut his hand. For a moment there, the lettuce and his blood became one--

A little dizzy because of the green fumes, he laid back again. Making an effort to regain his eyesight, he saw a green cloud that spoke to him. Yeah, it did talk. "You must protect the green," it said. Barry blinked several times and he saw the cloud taking the form of Al Gore's head. "Be a green leader, save the world," Barry couldn't believe it. The chemical cloud was so alive. He tried to touch it, but his hand passed right through it. And so, with a wink, the Al Gore vision was gone.

You can imagine what happened next. Speed powers. The Green SpeedForce. Wally getting his nose into everything. The legacy thing. Life, death, life again. Thing is, from that day on, whenever Barry Allen presses the secret mechanism hidden in his ring, the green lightning costume pops out and he becomes the Green Flash, a super-hero sworn to protect the environment for the generations to come. Watch out Green Lantern and Green Arrow! This one is the real green thing! Meet Green Flash: The Fastest Environmentalist Alive!

McTwilight

"You don't know how long I've waited for you."

The people at the restaurant stared at me for a moment and then turned back to their meals. It was weird enough I caught myself speaking my thoughts out loud, but being at the end of their judging eyes wasn't exactly what I had in mind when I walked into this McDonald's. One last giggle from a little girl did it. I packed my hamburger and walked out.

It was about to start raining again. I hated this weather. The sun never came through the clouds and it was so cold, so darn cold. Making sure no one was following me, I walked into the park, hurried, with my heart banging inside of my chest, not believing what I was getting myself into. It wasn't right, but was there anything I could do about it? I started to run, as the anxiety that devoured me had taken control of my legs. I ran and ran until I just couldn't get any further. Nobody was around, so I just made me stop. I forced myself. I stopped. I was actually chocking, not that I was any good at sports. Ever.

My pulse started raising again when I took hold of the paper bag and took the hamburger out of it. Carefully, I peeled out the envelope and its fragrance overtook me, clouding my senses, making me salivate as one of those dogs from the psychology lab. But I just wouldn't eat it, would I? Forcing myself to hold back my senses, I approached it to my mouth and I just kissed it. The soft bread barely touched my lips, but I felt its scent sticking to my mouth, only one bite, that's all it would take, one bite and I would taste it in its entirety forever, without holding back, without wasting another moment of this absolutely insane romance.

"And so the lion fell in love with the lamb." This time I just let the words slip out of my mouth. No one was listening, so why would I care. "What a sick, masochistic lion." And I allowed a little laughter escape past my defenses. It had been a while since I last even smiled. It felt good. How ironic to smile at my saddest time ever.

Finally, I sat down and put the hamburger on a rock and studied it with my eyes half closed, trying to see more about these slices of bread, lettuce, cheese and meat. Oh, the meat-- Every detail of it was imprinted on my mind, on my skin, and yet I had to fight the urge to just jump on it and eat it. I felt so eternal compared to this little burger. How long would it last with me? A week? It would start to smell, the bread would crumb down, it would just rot-- and me, I would be immortal at its side. Did it make any sense at all? What was I doing? "If you were smart you would stay away from me." But hey, not even I am this dumb, you won't understand what I'm saying. I know you're not like me. Not like me at all. But if you ask me, I'm glad you can't go anywhere. "Me-- I don't have the strength to stay away from you anymore."

Suddenly it hit me. I had become weak; weaker than I ever thought. I was ashamed, yet I couldn't hold back any longer. I stood up and packed the burger once again. Half absent-minded and half determined, I walked out of the woods, not once looking back. My mind was set. "I'm breaking all the rules now anyway. Since I'm going to hell..."

How much time I spent in the forest, I just wouldn't know. Einstein said time was relative. How much fun he would have with me, now, since the day wasn't over yet and the McDonald's restaurant was still open. This had been the longest day of my entire life and it was far from over.

I stopped for a moment. No, I wasn't looking back, I was just savoring my decision. After all, it was my choice. No one else's. "I'd never given much though to how I would die. But dying in place of someone I love, seems like a good way to go. I can't bring myself to regret the decisions that brought me face to face with death. They also brought me to you, my McTwilight." Under the weight of my arms, the crystal doors opened, letting the cold of the outside fly into the room. People fought the cold breeze as long as it lasted and looked at me with judging eyes, again, for the last time, ever.

"Make me a burger," I said. In response a young lady smiled and pointed at the menu. "Miss, you don't understand. Make ME, a burger--"

Snikt! Australia, the Movie

In 1939, Nicole Kidman travels from England to northern Australia to force her philandering husband to sell his faltering Australian cattle station, Faraway Downs. Her husband sends an independent cattle drover, Logan, to kill her.

Cancelled Christmas!

Namor Loves Emma Frost

(Click to enlarge)

In Times of Crisis, New Sponsors

Crisis has been hitting hard the entire world and just the same happened to Comics All Too Real. So hard it did hit us, indeed, that we had to select an entire new set of sponsors. Please, welcome them aboard.