Heroes Must Die: Blame the Brainiac

This is the third installment of "Heroes Must Die", with host star Morbo. Due to some technical difficulties and an extended vacation in jail on our host's part, we made a pause on our planned schedule. Now, we're back with a very special interview.

(APPLAUSE)


MORBO: Can you please unplug yourself from our servers? The producers are complaining you might hack us.

BRAINIAC: I was just recharging.

MORBO: You're a supervillain. Excuse me for being supercareful.

BRAINIAC: I heard you were in jail, it's not as if we're not part of the same crew.


MORBO: I'd never join a funky crew named the "Legion of Doom", or ever wear a pink outfit.

BRAINIAC: Those were different times...

MORBO: I have it on record.

BRAINIAC: …

MORBO: Well, it has been said in this poll that you were the one responsible for the freezing of the Comics All Too Real blog for a complete 2 month period. Something about you kidnapping the entire staff into one of your bottles.

BRAINIAC: So they say.

MORBO: But is it true?

BRAINIAC: Look at me, as you said a moment ago, I'm a supervillain. I shrink down cities. In some continuities, I've been blamed with the explosion of Krypton among many other worlds. Why on the universe would I even care about a simple human blog?

MORBO: Still, the word is out.

BRAINIAC: Blame the Brainiac, I say! That's the easy thing to do, don't you think? Is there a supervillain in the room? Let's blame him for the bad economy, for the growing baldness and, of course, the freezing of this insignificant blog.

MORBO: Have you taken acting classes?

BRAINIAC: No? Why you ask?

MORBO: It's just that you have a knack for dramatics. I mean, the death of Jonathan Kent in Action Comics #870 certainly points to you as a drama queen, er, drama villain.


BRAINIAC: Again. I couldn't care any less about a simple human.

MORBO: But he was Superman's Terran father.

BRAINIAC: So?

MORBO: Millions of people read that story just because of Jonathan Kent's death. It kind of sent you to stardom. At this moment, you're almost in line with Lex Luthor and the Joker. Almost.

BRAINIAC: Don't you dare comparing me with two simpletons.

MORBO: There! You see the dramatics?

BRAINIAC: Truth is, I killed the Kent farmer because editorial asked for it. I just couldn't care less about him, but if there's someone to blame, blame Dan Didio.



MORBO: Dan Didio? What a surprise--

BRAINIAC: What?

MORBO: Nothing, it's just that he's a recurring theme on this column.

BRAINIAC: Well, I can kill him if he bugs you too much.

MORBO: Maybe later. Anyway, I guess you're aware you're responsible of the current New Krypton situation.

BRAINIAC: I guess so, but it was never my intent to create a new planet with the City of Kandor.

MORBO: Are you complaining?

BRAINIAC: I just couldn't care less. It's just that my experiment was about having a bottled city. Like a dollhouse, you know. Superman just brought this issue onto himself.

MORBO: Speaking of Superman, why is it that you insist on battling him? Do you consider him your archenemy?

BRAINIAC: It's the editors' choice to set me against Kal-El over and over again. He has so much drama going on that I think that I do balance him a little. You know, I'm the cold intellect against his crybaby superheroics. I'm the ying to his yang.

MORBO: Uh-- right-- Anyway, what do you think of your portrayal on "Smallville"


BRAINIAC: Blond doesn't suit me well.

MORBO: It could help you cover those weird things in your head-- They're zits, right?

BRAINIAC: *sigh* You confuse me with a human. I may look the part, but I come from Colu, not Earth. I'm so above their Terran little insecurities.

MORBO: Thus, the pink uniform.

BRAINIAC: I think I don't like what you're implying. But now that you're at it, I think you've grown too soft on the humans. You're even acquiring a taste for sarcasm and irony.

MORBO: Irony? As in Alanis Morissette's song, "Isn't it Ironic"?

BRAINIAC: Wha-- You're old, aren't you?


MORBO: Back to your original statement, I work for human entertainment, which doesn't mean I have to like them, something that I definitely don't.

BRAINIAC: And so, you just prove my point.

MORBO: What do you mean?

BRAINIAC: Humans just hate and fear powerful green creatures. The Hulk, Poison Ivy, the entire Skrull race, you, me. And the green skinned ones that were on the side of the angels, like the Martian Manhunter and Jade are just so dead, or in limbo, like Miss Martian. Humans are xenophobic by nature, they will demonize anything that looks different from them. They're very basic. It's easier to destroy what you don't understand than wasting your time trying to figure things out. Oh, and let's not get me started on their intelligence level.

MORBO: Yes, they're pitiful creatures. I'd kill them all if I was allowed, but the producers say it would be bad for the show.

BRAINIAC: You want them dead, don't you?

MORBO: Of course. That's my driving force.

BRAINIAC: And what's stopping you? I only see pathetic humans in this room. Please tell me you're not afraid of them.

MORBO: Of course not.

BRAINIAC: Then again, what's stopping you? Here, take this gun.

MORBO: Nice gun.

BRAINIAC: Shoot the camera man.

Heroes Must Die: Batman's Last Laugh

Welcome to the second show of "Heroes Must Die". Tonight, our interplanetary most hated extraterrestrial host, Morbo, has a very special guest star: Batman, a superhero that has been shining under the brightest spotlight as of late.

(APPLAUSE)

MORBO: Can you describe to our audience who you really are? Your hopes, your fears, your traumas. There should be plenty.

BATMAN: I'm Batman.

MORBO: That line was old in the 80's.

BATMAN: I don't care.

MORBO: A bat with an attitude, uh? You've been played under very different lights through your career and this monosyllabic attitude version of you is not the most compelling. It makes me hate the human race some more-- Anyway, what's with the Wolverine voice?

BATMAN: That's my voice.

MORBO: Movie viewers pointed your voice as the most blatant flaw in your performance. Are you really sure that's your voice?

BATMAN: I'm always sure. My throat is still sore.

MORBO: You certainly rang different when you were Bruce Wayne.

BATMAN: I play it different.

MORBO: As in two personalities?

BATMAN: Agreed.

MORBO: That's schizophrenia.

BATMAN: It's not.

MORBO: Yes, it is.

BATMAN: It's not.

MORBO: Whatever. By the way, it's been said that the Joker is the real star of the show, that his performance dropped a shadow on you.

BATMAN: I'm always in the dark.

MORBO: Your short sentences get real old real fast. Were your dialogues dumbed down to reach a wider audience?

BATMAN: I'm not dumb, I'm the world's greatest detective.

MORBO: Yeah, I've heard that one before, but you have to admit that the Joker played you for good.

BATMAN: The script was written that way. I have nothing to do with it.

MORBO: Very convenient. So, what's your impression on Katie Holmes not being in this movie sequel?

BATMAN: (With a wide open smile) It was a pleasure not having to work with her. Everything about her drove me nuts. Her torn smile, the lack of acting, the lack of chemistry, she kept playing her character from Dawson's Creek and having her as a lawyer was the most unbelievable role for her. I had to blackmail her husband with some tapes I had about him jumping on a sofa saying he loved a very different actress, so he would tie her down in their basement to reprogram her all over again. A quiet Katie Holmes is always a good Katie Holmes.

MORBO: It looks like you're very opinionated about this talentless actress… I could hand you a death ray to get rid of her.

BATMAN: I'm sworn into protecting human life. But you could take justice into your hands. I don't battle aliens.

MORBO: Okay.

ZAAAAAAAAAAAP!!!

MORBO: You can stop smiling, you know?

Heroes Must Die: Superman's Pants

Welcome to the new segment, "Heroes Must Die", directed by our own interplanetary reporter, Morbo. This regular section will feature face to face interviews with the most famous and infamous superstars of any known universe. Read carefully because no one is safe and superpowers just won't hold back the truth.

Tonight, we decided to get started big. Sitting right next to Morbo, we have none other that the very first and original superhero ever: Superman.

(APPLAUSE)

MORBO: Let's skip the pleasantries and jump right into this interview.

SUPERMAN: That's okay with me.

MORBO: I wasn't asking.

SUPERMAN: Uh-- okay.

MORBO: You're an alien, right?

SUPERMAN: Well, I was raised on Earth even if I was born on a very far away planet. My birth parents sacrificed their own lives so I could have a chance at--

MORBO: So, you're an alien.

SUPERMAN: Yes.

MORBO: So, why is it that you have this obsession about saving humans even if that puts you in harm's way? It's not like you're related to them. You might look human, but you're not. In fact, you could be more related to roaches than human kind.

SUPERMAN: I might not be human in nature, but I was raised like one. This planet adopted me and gave me everything I have. I'm just grateful and that's why I give back. It's not an obsession; it's a mission in life. I couldn't do less.

MORBO: Blah, blah, blah. Do you want violins to go with your speech?

SUPERMAN: Excuse me?

MORBO: Are you aware that the news out there are saying you had a sex change surgery?

SUPERMAN: Don't believe everything the tabloids say.

MORBO: Are you denying it?

SUPERMAN: Of course.

MORBO: Will you take your pants off ?

SUPERMAN: Of course not!

MORBO: Uh-huh. So, you want us to take your word about these news being fake?

SUPERMAN: People believes in me.

MORBO: Sure.

SUPERMAN: I'm a super-hero!

MORBO: *Sigh* Anyway, it's been told that you're married.

SUPERMAN: I have a secret identity and--

MORBO: There was a TV show about it. We already know. By the way, those glasses you wear are the stupidest disguise ever!


SUPERMAN: Oh--

MORBO: Some say you're faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive, and able to leap tall buildings in a single bound. Is that correct?

SUPERMAN: My agent says so.

MORBO: Then, you're extremely strong, right?

SUPERMAN: Yes.

MORBO: You do barely feel bullets, right?

SUPERMAN: I practically don't feel them at all.

MORBO: Your sex life must be a mess.

SUPERMAN: Excuuuuse me?

MORBO: It's that or your wife is a robot. Not only you wouldn't feel her touch, are you aware that that any kind of sexual intercourse with her would simply tear her apart?

SUPERMAN: That's so not how it is!

MORBO: So, you're saying you do have an exciting and hot relationship with your wife?

SUPERMAN: It's-- uh-- It's complicated.

MORBO: We do have records of your bedroom life and it includes small kisses and lots of drama, and that's about it. And believe me, we've been recording your private life for years, now. Are you aware that Action Comics is by issue 866 as we speak?

SUPERMAN: That's-- that's a violation of my privacy!

MORBO: Yes, it is. That's why this show will score high ratings.

SUPERMAN: And it's illegal!

MORBO: Don't be such a crybaby. If you didn't want people to gossip about you, you wouldn't keep saving them. You should follow my advice: Fry all of those puny humans and you'd feel much better. Go ahead. My treat!

SUPERMAN: I won't allow this!

MORBO: Okay, kill me.

SUPERMAN: Hmph! I-- I--

Superman leaves the scenario in a red and blue blur.

MORBO: That was Superman, puny viewer. If you plan on meeting him, feel free to call 1-800-KRYPTONITE and we'll send you a package with one set of two rocks of his native planet. Order three and you'll get a Phantom Zone projector.
Until next time, Morbo remains.