Thursday, April 22, 2010

Matter Eater Lad's Eating Disorders

Do you know about Matter Eater Lad's amazing powers?  He can eat basically through everything.  You name it, he can eat it:  steel, wood, rock, garbage, McDonald's, whatever you put in his path, he can munch it and digest it as if it was a slice of bread or a glass of water, without a dent in his figure.  Or so we thought.

A few nights ago, we just happened to be sitting by the window of his bedroom, outside of the Legion of Super-Heroes headquarter, when we noticed some weird noises.  We couldn't help ourselves but to look inside the room and, to our surprise, we saw Matter Eater Lad throwing up.  Unbelievable!  As professional journalists, we continued our survey of the celebrity hero and it was a fact.  Night after night, Matter Eater Lad was puking out his guts.

With film evidence in our hands, we confronted him.  Here's the brief recorded interview. 

"Mr. Matter Eater Lad!  Can we have a moment with you?"

"Of course!  I always have time for my fans."

"Thanks.  Do you have any comment about these pictures?"  That's when we showed him a few of the shots where he doesn't look very handsome.

"How did you get those?"  He definitely looked annoyed and scared.

"Is it true you have a serious eating disorder?"

"No!  How you dare!  That night I was just sick to the stomach and--"

"And the day after that?  And the following day?  And the next day?"

"What do you want from me?  Is there no privacy anymore?"

"No, not since Facebook and not when you're a celebrity!"

"You just don't understand the pressure of being under the spotlight!  Everybody knows me and expect me to look my best.  A superhero has to be thin, and my power is to just eat too much.  You don't get it!  You just don't get it!"  And he ran away eating a Big Mac he had in his poket.  We wondered about his serious issues and how he imagined everybody knew him.  Ha!

We patted ourselves on the back after a job well done.  For a moment we felt bad for him, but our duty is to report and our responsibility is to our reading audience.  Until the next super star crashes--

5 comments:

Sea-of-Green said...

And here I was wondering why Matter-Eater Lad didn't look more like Bouncing Boy. :-) Thanks for visual evidence that it HAS happened!

CATR's Chris said...

You're welcome, Sea! There was a time when he gained some weight and then, all of a sudden, he lost it. Obviously, something wrong was going on.

Tomoyo Tsukihiro said...

Hahaha!! Excellent!!
But this: "No, not since Facebook and not when you're a celebrity!"
had me laughing like an hour!!

CATR's Chris said...

Secret identities are not what they used to be-- Anyway, I'm glad you had a riot :D

will said...

ahahahah love matter-eater lad!

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