Heroes Must Die: Batman's Last Laugh

Welcome to the second show of "Heroes Must Die". Tonight, our interplanetary most hated extraterrestrial host, Morbo, has a very special guest star: Batman, a superhero that has been shining under the brightest spotlight as of late.

(APPLAUSE)

MORBO: Can you describe to our audience who you really are? Your hopes, your fears, your traumas. There should be plenty.

BATMAN: I'm Batman.

MORBO: That line was old in the 80's.

BATMAN: I don't care.

MORBO: A bat with an attitude, uh? You've been played under very different lights through your career and this monosyllabic attitude version of you is not the most compelling. It makes me hate the human race some more-- Anyway, what's with the Wolverine voice?

BATMAN: That's my voice.

MORBO: Movie viewers pointed your voice as the most blatant flaw in your performance. Are you really sure that's your voice?

BATMAN: I'm always sure. My throat is still sore.

MORBO: You certainly rang different when you were Bruce Wayne.

BATMAN: I play it different.

MORBO: As in two personalities?

BATMAN: Agreed.

MORBO: That's schizophrenia.

BATMAN: It's not.

MORBO: Yes, it is.

BATMAN: It's not.

MORBO: Whatever. By the way, it's been said that the Joker is the real star of the show, that his performance dropped a shadow on you.

BATMAN: I'm always in the dark.

MORBO: Your short sentences get real old real fast. Were your dialogues dumbed down to reach a wider audience?

BATMAN: I'm not dumb, I'm the world's greatest detective.

MORBO: Yeah, I've heard that one before, but you have to admit that the Joker played you for good.

BATMAN: The script was written that way. I have nothing to do with it.

MORBO: Very convenient. So, what's your impression on Katie Holmes not being in this movie sequel?

BATMAN: (With a wide open smile) It was a pleasure not having to work with her. Everything about her drove me nuts. Her torn smile, the lack of acting, the lack of chemistry, she kept playing her character from Dawson's Creek and having her as a lawyer was the most unbelievable role for her. I had to blackmail her husband with some tapes I had about him jumping on a sofa saying he loved a very different actress, so he would tie her down in their basement to reprogram her all over again. A quiet Katie Holmes is always a good Katie Holmes.

MORBO: It looks like you're very opinionated about this talentless actress… I could hand you a death ray to get rid of her.

BATMAN: I'm sworn into protecting human life. But you could take justice into your hands. I don't battle aliens.

MORBO: Okay.

ZAAAAAAAAAAAP!!!

MORBO: You can stop smiling, you know?

Tom Cruise, the Skrull

When Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman split, it was a word of mouth thing. "He must be nuts!", "he's out of his mind", "he must be from outer space." Later on, he married Katie Holmes and new rumors arouse, "what does he see in her?", "she's too young", "her mouth is torn". Finally, he joined an unusual church that actually looks otherworldly…

Anyway, it was a matter of time before the reason behind his madness unveiled itself. He was part of a master plan to dominate the Earth, through Hollywood. This particular Skrull, T'om'kr'uix, tried to turn fandom against movie stars in order to demoralize the entire population of the Earth, so we would be an easier target to their devastating troops.

Had they chosen someone else, Earth would be down already. Thankfully they chose Tom Cruise.