Thursday, April 30, 2009

Watch Out! Miss Piggy is mad!

She put on her best dress and she's looking for a new boyfriend. Yeah, she finally got it. Kermit wasn't a match for her. You know, pig, frog, DNA issues. Thing is she's looking for a human partner and that's just a no can do. They've called her many things, the last of them being the Swine Flu, so, to avoid to being caught unaware, just follow some simple rules. You know you don't want to get caught in her arms.

1. Don't sneeze or cough in your hands or in open air. Use a disposable handkerchief or a fabric one and wash it as soon as you can. If you don't have one, just use your sleeve.

2. Wash your hands before and after eating.

3. Wave your hand to welcome people. Kissing, hand shaking, the horror!, hugging, are off-limits.

4. Wash your hands after using the keyboard, cellphone, or any of those things that get hold of any virus and bacteria you're carrying in your hands; much better if you clean all of these devices regularly.

5. If you have the common flu, be wise and stay put, don't go to crowded places (unless you're going to the hospital, of course). You don't want to be the epicenter of some mass hysteria.

6. Try not to touch your face with your hands. Sucking thumbs, scratching noses, rubbing eyes, just hold them back. Go to your bathroom, wash your hands and, then, feel free to do it. Afterwards, wash your hands again.

7. Don't share glasses, food from the same plate, spoons, forks, etc, etc.

8. Did we mention to wash your hands? That's the best way to keep Miss Piggy away. So wash them whenever you can. They will look beautiful after a while.

So, take care of yourselves. Sing a song and go back to basic hygiene. It's simple and it can be fun. Yeah, maybe a little annoying, but it's worth it.

Sunday, April 26, 2009

The Incredible Hulk's Pants

The question has been bugging us for ages: Why Bruce Banner's pants don't fall apart when he turns into the green Goliath? The mild mannered scientist Bruce Banner and his emerald counterpart certainly have different sizes and we're certain he's not wearing latex. Sizes don't match and it has been obvious the pants stay on. It's quite odd, yet not an unique phenomenon, just check Vampirella's bra.

We've been doing some research and we finally found the answer. The Hulk's transformation is uneven. His torso definitely changes and so does his Frankensteinesque head, arms and lower legs; but for the main part, his legs just remain the same. We caught the picture you see above before any CGI or Photoshop was used on him and this is exactly how he looks. Not very scary if you ask us, and that's why we think his coach, Stan Lee, suggested to ad a little something below the belt right after any picture is taken.

So, what do you think? Does the Hulk smash a little less now that the secret behind his purple pants is out or is he still the same appalling creature we've grown to fear and love?

We think we could now teach him some ballet.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009


"You don't know how long I've waited for you."

The people at the restaurant stared at me for a moment and then turned back to their meals. It was weird enough I caught myself speaking my thoughts out loud, but being at the end of their judging eyes wasn't exactly what I had in mind when I walked into this McDonald's. One last giggle from a little girl did it. I packed my hamburger and walked out.

It was about to start raining again. I hated this weather. The sun never came through the clouds and it was so cold, so darn cold. Making sure no one was following me, I walked into the park, hurried, with my heart banging inside of my chest, not believing what I was getting myself into. It wasn't right, but was there anything I could do about it? I started to run, as the anxiety that devoured me had taken control of my legs. I ran and ran until I just couldn't get any further. Nobody was around, so I just made me stop. I forced myself. I stopped. I was actually chocking, not that I was any good at sports. Ever.

My pulse started raising again when I took hold of the paper bag and took the hamburger out of it. Carefully, I peeled out the envelope and its fragrance overtook me, clouding my senses, making me salivate as one of those dogs from the psychology lab. But I just wouldn't eat it, would I? Forcing myself to hold back my senses, I approached it to my mouth and I just kissed it. The soft bread barely touched my lips, but I felt its scent sticking to my mouth, only one bite, that's all it would take, one bite and I would taste it in its entirety forever, without holding back, without wasting another moment of this absolutely insane romance.

"And so the lion fell in love with the lamb." This time I just let the words slip out of my mouth. No one was listening, so why would I care. "What a sick, masochistic lion." And I allowed a little laughter escape past my defenses. It had been a while since I last even smiled. It felt good. How ironic to smile at my saddest time ever.

Finally, I sat down and put the hamburger on a rock and studied it with my eyes half closed, trying to see more about these slices of bread, lettuce, cheese and meat. Oh, the meat-- Every detail of it was imprinted on my mind, on my skin, and yet I had to fight the urge to just jump on it and eat it. I felt so eternal compared to this little burger. How long would it last with me? A week? It would start to smell, the bread would crumb down, it would just rot-- and me, I would be immortal at its side. Did it make any sense at all? What was I doing? "If you were smart you would stay away from me." But hey, not even I am this dumb, you won't understand what I'm saying. I know you're not like me. Not like me at all. But if you ask me, I'm glad you can't go anywhere. "Me-- I don't have the strength to stay away from you anymore."

Suddenly it hit me. I had become weak; weaker than I ever thought. I was ashamed, yet I couldn't hold back any longer. I stood up and packed the burger once again. Half absent-minded and half determined, I walked out of the woods, not once looking back. My mind was set. "I'm breaking all the rules now anyway. Since I'm going to hell..."

How much time I spent in the forest, I just wouldn't know. Einstein said time was relative. How much fun he would have with me, now, since the day wasn't over yet and the McDonald's restaurant was still open. This had been the longest day of my entire life and it was far from over.

I stopped for a moment. No, I wasn't looking back, I was just savoring my decision. After all, it was my choice. No one else's. "I'd never given much though to how I would die. But dying in place of someone I love, seems like a good way to go. I can't bring myself to regret the decisions that brought me face to face with death. They also brought me to you, my McTwilight." Under the weight of my arms, the crystal doors opened, letting the cold of the outside fly into the room. People fought the cold breeze as long as it lasted and looked at me with judging eyes, again, for the last time, ever.

"Make me a burger," I said. In response a young lady smiled and pointed at the menu. "Miss, you don't understand. Make ME, a burger--"

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Sunday, April 5, 2009

Heroes Must Die: Blame the Brainiac

This is the third installment of "Heroes Must Die", with host star Morbo. Due to some technical difficulties and an extended vacation in jail on our host's part, we made a pause on our planned schedule. Now, we're back with a very special interview.


MORBO: Can you please unplug yourself from our servers? The producers are complaining you might hack us.

BRAINIAC: I was just recharging.

MORBO: You're a supervillain. Excuse me for being supercareful.

BRAINIAC: I heard you were in jail, it's not as if we're not part of the same crew.

MORBO: I'd never join a funky crew named the "Legion of Doom", or ever wear a pink outfit.

BRAINIAC: Those were different times...

MORBO: I have it on record.


MORBO: Well, it has been said in this poll that you were the one responsible for the freezing of the Comics All Too Real blog for a complete 2 month period. Something about you kidnapping the entire staff into one of your bottles.

BRAINIAC: So they say.

MORBO: But is it true?

BRAINIAC: Look at me, as you said a moment ago, I'm a supervillain. I shrink down cities. In some continuities, I've been blamed with the explosion of Krypton among many other worlds. Why on the universe would I even care about a simple human blog?

MORBO: Still, the word is out.

BRAINIAC: Blame the Brainiac, I say! That's the easy thing to do, don't you think? Is there a supervillain in the room? Let's blame him for the bad economy, for the growing baldness and, of course, the freezing of this insignificant blog.

MORBO: Have you taken acting classes?

BRAINIAC: No? Why you ask?

MORBO: It's just that you have a knack for dramatics. I mean, the death of Jonathan Kent in Action Comics #870 certainly points to you as a drama queen, er, drama villain.

BRAINIAC: Again. I couldn't care any less about a simple human.

MORBO: But he was Superman's Terran father.


MORBO: Millions of people read that story just because of Jonathan Kent's death. It kind of sent you to stardom. At this moment, you're almost in line with Lex Luthor and the Joker. Almost.

BRAINIAC: Don't you dare comparing me with two simpletons.

MORBO: There! You see the dramatics?

BRAINIAC: Truth is, I killed the Kent farmer because editorial asked for it. I just couldn't care less about him, but if there's someone to blame, blame Dan Didio.

MORBO: Dan Didio? What a surprise--


MORBO: Nothing, it's just that he's a recurring theme on this column.

BRAINIAC: Well, I can kill him if he bugs you too much.

MORBO: Maybe later. Anyway, I guess you're aware you're responsible of the current New Krypton situation.

BRAINIAC: I guess so, but it was never my intent to create a new planet with the City of Kandor.

MORBO: Are you complaining?

BRAINIAC: I just couldn't care less. It's just that my experiment was about having a bottled city. Like a dollhouse, you know. Superman just brought this issue onto himself.

MORBO: Speaking of Superman, why is it that you insist on battling him? Do you consider him your archenemy?

BRAINIAC: It's the editors' choice to set me against Kal-El over and over again. He has so much drama going on that I think that I do balance him a little. You know, I'm the cold intellect against his crybaby superheroics. I'm the ying to his yang.

MORBO: Uh-- right-- Anyway, what do you think of your portrayal on "Smallville"

BRAINIAC: Blond doesn't suit me well.

MORBO: It could help you cover those weird things in your head-- They're zits, right?

BRAINIAC: *sigh* You confuse me with a human. I may look the part, but I come from Colu, not Earth. I'm so above their Terran little insecurities.

MORBO: Thus, the pink uniform.

BRAINIAC: I think I don't like what you're implying. But now that you're at it, I think you've grown too soft on the humans. You're even acquiring a taste for sarcasm and irony.

MORBO: Irony? As in Alanis Morissette's song, "Isn't it Ironic"?

BRAINIAC: Wha-- You're old, aren't you?

MORBO: Back to your original statement, I work for human entertainment, which doesn't mean I have to like them, something that I definitely don't.

BRAINIAC: And so, you just prove my point.

MORBO: What do you mean?

BRAINIAC: Humans just hate and fear powerful green creatures. The Hulk, Poison Ivy, the entire Skrull race, you, me. And the green skinned ones that were on the side of the angels, like the Martian Manhunter and Jade are just so dead, or in limbo, like Miss Martian. Humans are xenophobic by nature, they will demonize anything that looks different from them. They're very basic. It's easier to destroy what you don't understand than wasting your time trying to figure things out. Oh, and let's not get me started on their intelligence level.

MORBO: Yes, they're pitiful creatures. I'd kill them all if I was allowed, but the producers say it would be bad for the show.

BRAINIAC: You want them dead, don't you?

MORBO: Of course. That's my driving force.

BRAINIAC: And what's stopping you? I only see pathetic humans in this room. Please tell me you're not afraid of them.

MORBO: Of course not.

BRAINIAC: Then again, what's stopping you? Here, take this gun.

MORBO: Nice gun.

BRAINIAC: Shoot the camera man.