Tuesday, April 14, 2009
"You don't know how long I've waited for you."
The people at the restaurant stared at me for a moment and then turned back to their meals. It was weird enough I caught myself speaking my thoughts out loud, but being at the end of their judging eyes wasn't exactly what I had in mind when I walked into this McDonald's. One last giggle from a little girl did it. I packed my hamburger and walked out.
It was about to start raining again. I hated this weather. The sun never came through the clouds and it was so cold, so darn cold. Making sure no one was following me, I walked into the park, hurried, with my heart banging inside of my chest, not believing what I was getting myself into. It wasn't right, but was there anything I could do about it? I started to run, as the anxiety that devoured me had taken control of my legs. I ran and ran until I just couldn't get any further. Nobody was around, so I just made me stop. I forced myself. I stopped. I was actually chocking, not that I was any good at sports. Ever.
My pulse started raising again when I took hold of the paper bag and took the hamburger out of it. Carefully, I peeled out the envelope and its fragrance overtook me, clouding my senses, making me salivate as one of those dogs from the psychology lab. But I just wouldn't eat it, would I? Forcing myself to hold back my senses, I approached it to my mouth and I just kissed it. The soft bread barely touched my lips, but I felt its scent sticking to my mouth, only one bite, that's all it would take, one bite and I would taste it in its entirety forever, without holding back, without wasting another moment of this absolutely insane romance.
"And so the lion fell in love with the lamb." This time I just let the words slip out of my mouth. No one was listening, so why would I care. "What a sick, masochistic lion." And I allowed a little laughter escape past my defenses. It had been a while since I last even smiled. It felt good. How ironic to smile at my saddest time ever.
Finally, I sat down and put the hamburger on a rock and studied it with my eyes half closed, trying to see more about these slices of bread, lettuce, cheese and meat. Oh, the meat-- Every detail of it was imprinted on my mind, on my skin, and yet I had to fight the urge to just jump on it and eat it. I felt so eternal compared to this little burger. How long would it last with me? A week? It would start to smell, the bread would crumb down, it would just rot-- and me, I would be immortal at its side. Did it make any sense at all? What was I doing? "If you were smart you would stay away from me." But hey, not even I am this dumb, you won't understand what I'm saying. I know you're not like me. Not like me at all. But if you ask me, I'm glad you can't go anywhere. "Me-- I don't have the strength to stay away from you anymore."
Suddenly it hit me. I had become weak; weaker than I ever thought. I was ashamed, yet I couldn't hold back any longer. I stood up and packed the burger once again. Half absent-minded and half determined, I walked out of the woods, not once looking back. My mind was set. "I'm breaking all the rules now anyway. Since I'm going to hell..."
How much time I spent in the forest, I just wouldn't know. Einstein said time was relative. How much fun he would have with me, now, since the day wasn't over yet and the McDonald's restaurant was still open. This had been the longest day of my entire life and it was far from over.
I stopped for a moment. No, I wasn't looking back, I was just savoring my decision. After all, it was my choice. No one else's. "I'd never given much though to how I would die. But dying in place of someone I love, seems like a good way to go. I can't bring myself to regret the decisions that brought me face to face with death. They also brought me to you, my McTwilight." Under the weight of my arms, the crystal doors opened, letting the cold of the outside fly into the room. People fought the cold breeze as long as it lasted and looked at me with judging eyes, again, for the last time, ever.
"Make me a burger," I said. In response a young lady smiled and pointed at the menu. "Miss, you don't understand. Make ME, a burger--"