Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Jennifer Connelly: The Wonderest Woman!

We ran a poll to chose the people's Wonder Woman and Liv Tyler won. We got some complains about not including Jennifer Connelly in that original poll and we decided to run one final mortal poll with these two wonderful women and now you have the results right in front of you.

Jennifer Connelly screamed "Fatality!" just as she dismembered Liv Tyler into very tiny but still gorgeous pieces. You finally chose the new Wonder Woman! Now, what do you want to do with her?

Sunday, July 27, 2008

Bad Batman, Bad

Batmommy was really upset because Batman supposedly assaulted her and Batgirl with a Batarang and a Shark Repellent Bat Spray.

"Fame went to his head", claimed the Bat Mother as she was throwing some of his son's stuff out of the Batcave and setting a Batman the Dark Knight poster on fire. "I only wanted a couple of millions and that's how he pays me. That two-faced son of mine! Since there's no justice in the world, I'll get my revenge!" We asked her to show us her bruises but she said she was a fast healer much a-la-Wolverine and there was nothing to be seen. That's when we started wondering if she was a mutant.

We tried to ask Robin about this incident but the Boy Wonder just rolled his eyes at us and left.

Thursday, July 24, 2008

Batgirl The Duo-Tone Lady, the Prequel

The telephone rings.

"Oh, my God! Dick is taking me to the movies."

A little wardrobe change later.

"The next time you see the bat sign shining high in the theaters, it will be... yellow!"

"Watch out, Hollywood!

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Robin's review on "Batman The Dark Knight"

We ran into Robin this afternoon and we rushed to ask him his opinion on the newest Batman blockbuster movie. In response, he stared at us, put on his iPod and continued climbing a wall with his Bat-rope.
Now, we weren't rude, were we?

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Would You Marry Supergirl?

She's blonde, she's perky, she's the perfect house wife. Probably that's the reason why she's been from one Crisis into another, and has had so many different incarnations, that the Joker would laugh at her schizophrenia. Still, all of these little details on the side, would you marry her? She would definitely do some out of the world meals and the house would always be perfect clean.

We dare you. Would you marry her?

Saturday, July 19, 2008

"Return to the Batcave" at the Top of the Charts

It looks like the Joker's threats did work out after all!

A few days ago, the Joker made public his threats about maiming and destroying everyone who dared see "Batman the Dark Knight". The movie just premiered at Gotham and not a single human being went to see it. Two-Face did, though, it looks he had a previous agreement with the Joker. Instead, an indy theater showed "The Misadventures of Adam and Burt: Return to the Batcave" and it looks like fans embraced it fully, with millions of views during the opening. "If we can't have the real deal, that's the next best thing," said aficionado Tim Drake, who gave a big no-no about seeing George Clooney's "Batman & Robin".

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Gamma Rays Are Aphrodisiac

Today, during a press conference, when our reporter asked Jennifer Walters, a.k.a. She-Hulk, about all of her love escapades and sexual scandals, she raised an eyebrow and said: "Gamma rays are aphrodisiac. You just can't blame me." The room fell into a deep silence, except for some giggling that came from a corner, some say it was the Wasp, another Avenger, or a Skrull, but no one could find out for sure.

Our clever reporter grabbed the microphone and made a little addition to the She-Hulk's comment: "No wonder the Hulk is getting so much of it, uh?" And all of a sudden, the press conference was over and all of the journalists got kicked out of the room.

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Tom Cruise, the Skrull

When Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman split, it was a word of mouth thing. "He must be nuts!", "he's out of his mind", "he must be from outer space." Later on, he married Katie Holmes and new rumors arouse, "what does he see in her?", "she's too young", "her mouth is torn". Finally, he joined an unusual church that actually looks otherworldly…

Anyway, it was a matter of time before the reason behind his madness unveiled itself. He was part of a master plan to dominate the Earth, through Hollywood. This particular Skrull, T'om'kr'uix, tried to turn fandom against movie stars in order to demoralize the entire population of the Earth, so we would be an easier target to their devastating troops.

Had they chosen someone else, Earth would be down already. Thankfully they chose Tom Cruise.

Friday, July 11, 2008

Paula and Mary Jane Drunk at the Bronx

It all happened at a loud place in the heart (or the liver) of the Bronx, with a giant bartender that made drinks fly through the place and a lousy waitress that got more tips out of her wiggling than out of her work, that caught our attention. The story could have been about these two very particular creatures of the night, but it was a deeply annoying voice that broke the vibe of the place with twisted words that rang something like this: "He's a cold hearted snake". Feel free to roll your eyes, because it was none other than Paula Abdul, drunk again, this time with a much much way younger drinking buddy, a red headed girl named Mary Jane Watson that could or could not have anything to do with Spider-Man's recent death.

Poor Mary Jane, first she found out her boyfriend was cheating on her, of course, that was before he died; and now she wasn't choosing her friends well at all. But it wouldn't take long, since she refused repeatedly to sing in the karaoke even if Paula insisted on some "Idol" non-sense thing.

Finally, after some outburst on Mary Jane's part, we heard her say "he's not a snake! He's a spider and he would bite in the @$$ if he was here." Definitely, that's our girl. Maybe a criminal, but still our girl.

Thursday, July 10, 2008

The Joker Threatens Movie Viewers

Earlier today, we got an anonymous letter with a little note in a Joker card that demanded us to publish it or else… We're too happy to be alive so we published it in its entirety. Read it at your own risk.

With the imminent showing of 'Batman: The Dark Knight', I am forced to address all of you, people about to die. That movie not only shows a non-thin version of myself, with a smile that doesn't cover half of my face, but it lacks my name, the name of the true hero, in its title. It could have been named 'Joker: The Killing Joke', or 'Joker Laughs Last', or simply 'Joker Kicks Batman's @$$', but no, we got the regular unfunny title. Why oh why? This is the last insult to the biggest icon of Gotham City. Who's killed more people than me? Who? Who????? I demand some recognition and if I'm getting none, I'll have my payback. In the meanwhile, let me tell you a joke: A batman walks into a bar holding a little robin by the hand. Then, a joker gets into the place and sets little robin on fire. What's the name of the bar? Kentucky Fried Robin! Nya-hahahahahaha!

Okay, I'm out of subject and I've ranted long enough. Here's the deal. You go see the movie, you die. It's as simple as that. There are no free passes into the movie and no one will get out alive. That's a promise and you know I like to joke but I don't lie, otherwise I'd be the Liar and that just wouldn't be funny.

Watch out, Batman lovers, the joke will be on you!

Your friend,

(Dah Jokah!)

Monday, July 7, 2008

Wonder Women, Fight!

A few days ago, you voted who would make the best Wonder Woman and you decided it would be Liv Taylor. Well, fans of Jennifer Connelly, one Quasar in particular, have been enraged ever since because she wasn't even listed in the poll. So, here we got it. A Mortal Kombat rematch!

This time, not only you will decide who will be the winner, but the loser will be dismembered in a deadly Fatality!

Who will be the next Wonder Woman, who will perish under the weight of fandom dislike?

You decide!

Get your own Poll!

Thursday, July 3, 2008

Heroes Must Die: Superman's Pants

Welcome to the new segment, "Heroes Must Die", directed by our own interplanetary reporter, Morbo. This regular section will feature face to face interviews with the most famous and infamous superstars of any known universe. Read carefully because no one is safe and superpowers just won't hold back the truth.

Tonight, we decided to get started big. Sitting right next to Morbo, we have none other that the very first and original superhero ever: Superman.


MORBO: Let's skip the pleasantries and jump right into this interview.

SUPERMAN: That's okay with me.

MORBO: I wasn't asking.

SUPERMAN: Uh-- okay.

MORBO: You're an alien, right?

SUPERMAN: Well, I was raised on Earth even if I was born on a very far away planet. My birth parents sacrificed their own lives so I could have a chance at--

MORBO: So, you're an alien.


MORBO: So, why is it that you have this obsession about saving humans even if that puts you in harm's way? It's not like you're related to them. You might look human, but you're not. In fact, you could be more related to roaches than human kind.

SUPERMAN: I might not be human in nature, but I was raised like one. This planet adopted me and gave me everything I have. I'm just grateful and that's why I give back. It's not an obsession; it's a mission in life. I couldn't do less.

MORBO: Blah, blah, blah. Do you want violins to go with your speech?

SUPERMAN: Excuse me?

MORBO: Are you aware that the news out there are saying you had a sex change surgery?

SUPERMAN: Don't believe everything the tabloids say.

MORBO: Are you denying it?

SUPERMAN: Of course.

MORBO: Will you take your pants off ?

SUPERMAN: Of course not!

MORBO: Uh-huh. So, you want us to take your word about these news being fake?

SUPERMAN: People believes in me.

MORBO: Sure.

SUPERMAN: I'm a super-hero!

MORBO: *Sigh* Anyway, it's been told that you're married.

SUPERMAN: I have a secret identity and--

MORBO: There was a TV show about it. We already know. By the way, those glasses you wear are the stupidest disguise ever!


MORBO: Some say you're faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive, and able to leap tall buildings in a single bound. Is that correct?

SUPERMAN: My agent says so.

MORBO: Then, you're extremely strong, right?


MORBO: You do barely feel bullets, right?

SUPERMAN: I practically don't feel them at all.

MORBO: Your sex life must be a mess.

SUPERMAN: Excuuuuse me?

MORBO: It's that or your wife is a robot. Not only you wouldn't feel her touch, are you aware that that any kind of sexual intercourse with her would simply tear her apart?

SUPERMAN: That's so not how it is!

MORBO: So, you're saying you do have an exciting and hot relationship with your wife?

SUPERMAN: It's-- uh-- It's complicated.

MORBO: We do have records of your bedroom life and it includes small kisses and lots of drama, and that's about it. And believe me, we've been recording your private life for years, now. Are you aware that Action Comics is by issue 866 as we speak?

SUPERMAN: That's-- that's a violation of my privacy!

MORBO: Yes, it is. That's why this show will score high ratings.

SUPERMAN: And it's illegal!

MORBO: Don't be such a crybaby. If you didn't want people to gossip about you, you wouldn't keep saving them. You should follow my advice: Fry all of those puny humans and you'd feel much better. Go ahead. My treat!

SUPERMAN: I won't allow this!

MORBO: Okay, kill me.

SUPERMAN: Hmph! I-- I--

Superman leaves the scenario in a red and blue blur.

MORBO: That was Superman, puny viewer. If you plan on meeting him, feel free to call 1-800-KRYPTONITE and we'll send you a package with one set of two rocks of his native planet. Order three and you'll get a Phantom Zone projector.
Until next time, Morbo remains.

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

Paparazzi Jimmy Olsen Got Beaten Down by Vigilante

On a stormy night in a dark alley at Gotham City, covered by rain and the black dirt of smog and filth, the Daily Planet's paparazzi who responds to the name of Jimmy Olsen (when he's not Turtle Boy) was found face down in a puddle of mud with his nose broken in three pieces and both eyes covered in black. He tried to talk to the authorities about his aggressor but the lack of teeth didn't let him. He just moved his hands as if trying to draw something in the air, but he's no artist. The best we could come up with was that a giant rat jumped over him and robbed him of his cheese. We told you, he's no artist. When we last photographed him he was waving his fist through the air in a gesture meant to be a threat or a sign to stop a cab. We're still not sure.

What was he doing at Gotham City anyway? That's a mystery we still have to solve. And why his Superpal didn't come help him? That's yet another mystery, but we believe it might be because Superman is just plain busy with his new identity.

As of late, Jimmy Olsen was seen bugging some of the big names from the super-hero community. Not long ago he got a big slap by none other than Supergirl for taking pictures from under her skirt and he got a restriction order from Titans Tower as well; we still need to figure out why. As of late, he has been seen too much around the darkest corners of Gotham; almost as if he wanted to get mugged, kidnapped or just plain murdered. Looks like he got his wish.

By the way, there was a sign left by his side by an anonymous subject. Police claimed it was the attacker or just a non fan. The sign read: "Jimmy Olsen must die."