Tuesday, July 1, 2008

Paparazzi Jimmy Olsen Got Beaten Down by Vigilante

On a stormy night in a dark alley at Gotham City, covered by rain and the black dirt of smog and filth, the Daily Planet's paparazzi who responds to the name of Jimmy Olsen (when he's not Turtle Boy) was found face down in a puddle of mud with his nose broken in three pieces and both eyes covered in black. He tried to talk to the authorities about his aggressor but the lack of teeth didn't let him. He just moved his hands as if trying to draw something in the air, but he's no artist. The best we could come up with was that a giant rat jumped over him and robbed him of his cheese. We told you, he's no artist. When we last photographed him he was waving his fist through the air in a gesture meant to be a threat or a sign to stop a cab. We're still not sure.

What was he doing at Gotham City anyway? That's a mystery we still have to solve. And why his Superpal didn't come help him? That's yet another mystery, but we believe it might be because Superman is just plain busy with his new identity.

As of late, Jimmy Olsen was seen bugging some of the big names from the super-hero community. Not long ago he got a big slap by none other than Supergirl for taking pictures from under her skirt and he got a restriction order from Titans Tower as well; we still need to figure out why. As of late, he has been seen too much around the darkest corners of Gotham; almost as if he wanted to get mugged, kidnapped or just plain murdered. Looks like he got his wish.

By the way, there was a sign left by his side by an anonymous subject. Police claimed it was the attacker or just a non fan. The sign read: "Jimmy Olsen must die."


George Lucas presents: Lightsaber condoms! said...

That's what he gets for blackmailing Bruce Wayne with pics from his usual weekly Hieros Gamos ritual at the Playboy Mansion.

On a tangent, this provides a plausible solution to the Spidey murder mystery. What if the alleged, Peter-Parker-photographed, pics of Tom Cruise having a necrophilic seance with L. Ron. Hubbard's corpse came to light?

The Church of Scientology would likely go to any means necessary to protect both his founder's legacy as well as their No.1 endorser and recruiter's reputation (whatever remains of it) including, but not limited to, buying a controlling interest in Baygon's parent company and directing their scientists to formulate the most-lethal anti-aracnid insecticide.

Placed in the wrong hands (someone who really hates spiders), they could have quite esaily eliminate this nefarious threat.

In short, I think Garfield did it--with the CoS as his maecenas.

ComicsAllTooReal's Chris said...

That's a very interesting theory. I wonder what Tom Cruise and Garfield might think about it...

In fact, I think they will be included in this mystery.

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