Heroes Must Die: Superman's Pants

Welcome to the new segment, "Heroes Must Die", directed by our own interplanetary reporter, Morbo. This regular section will feature face to face interviews with the most famous and infamous superstars of any known universe. Read carefully because no one is safe and superpowers just won't hold back the truth.

Tonight, we decided to get started big. Sitting right next to Morbo, we have none other that the very first and original superhero ever: Superman.

(APPLAUSE)

MORBO: Let's skip the pleasantries and jump right into this interview.

SUPERMAN: That's okay with me.

MORBO: I wasn't asking.

SUPERMAN: Uh-- okay.

MORBO: You're an alien, right?

SUPERMAN: Well, I was raised on Earth even if I was born on a very far away planet. My birth parents sacrificed their own lives so I could have a chance at--

MORBO: So, you're an alien.

SUPERMAN: Yes.

MORBO: So, why is it that you have this obsession about saving humans even if that puts you in harm's way? It's not like you're related to them. You might look human, but you're not. In fact, you could be more related to roaches than human kind.

SUPERMAN: I might not be human in nature, but I was raised like one. This planet adopted me and gave me everything I have. I'm just grateful and that's why I give back. It's not an obsession; it's a mission in life. I couldn't do less.

MORBO: Blah, blah, blah. Do you want violins to go with your speech?

SUPERMAN: Excuse me?

MORBO: Are you aware that the news out there are saying you had a sex change surgery?

SUPERMAN: Don't believe everything the tabloids say.

MORBO: Are you denying it?

SUPERMAN: Of course.

MORBO: Will you take your pants off ?

SUPERMAN: Of course not!

MORBO: Uh-huh. So, you want us to take your word about these news being fake?

SUPERMAN: People believes in me.

MORBO: Sure.

SUPERMAN: I'm a super-hero!

MORBO: *Sigh* Anyway, it's been told that you're married.

SUPERMAN: I have a secret identity and--

MORBO: There was a TV show about it. We already know. By the way, those glasses you wear are the stupidest disguise ever!


SUPERMAN: Oh--

MORBO: Some say you're faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive, and able to leap tall buildings in a single bound. Is that correct?

SUPERMAN: My agent says so.

MORBO: Then, you're extremely strong, right?

SUPERMAN: Yes.

MORBO: You do barely feel bullets, right?

SUPERMAN: I practically don't feel them at all.

MORBO: Your sex life must be a mess.

SUPERMAN: Excuuuuse me?

MORBO: It's that or your wife is a robot. Not only you wouldn't feel her touch, are you aware that that any kind of sexual intercourse with her would simply tear her apart?

SUPERMAN: That's so not how it is!

MORBO: So, you're saying you do have an exciting and hot relationship with your wife?

SUPERMAN: It's-- uh-- It's complicated.

MORBO: We do have records of your bedroom life and it includes small kisses and lots of drama, and that's about it. And believe me, we've been recording your private life for years, now. Are you aware that Action Comics is by issue 866 as we speak?

SUPERMAN: That's-- that's a violation of my privacy!

MORBO: Yes, it is. That's why this show will score high ratings.

SUPERMAN: And it's illegal!

MORBO: Don't be such a crybaby. If you didn't want people to gossip about you, you wouldn't keep saving them. You should follow my advice: Fry all of those puny humans and you'd feel much better. Go ahead. My treat!

SUPERMAN: I won't allow this!

MORBO: Okay, kill me.

SUPERMAN: Hmph! I-- I--

Superman leaves the scenario in a red and blue blur.

MORBO: That was Superman, puny viewer. If you plan on meeting him, feel free to call 1-800-KRYPTONITE and we'll send you a package with one set of two rocks of his native planet. Order three and you'll get a Phantom Zone projector.
Until next time, Morbo remains.