Sunday, April 5, 2009
Heroes Must Die: Blame the Brainiac
This is the third installment of "Heroes Must Die", with host star Morbo. Due to some technical difficulties and an extended vacation in jail on our host's part, we made a pause on our planned schedule. Now, we're back with a very special interview.
MORBO: Can you please unplug yourself from our servers? The producers are complaining you might hack us.
BRAINIAC: I was just recharging.
MORBO: You're a supervillain. Excuse me for being supercareful.
BRAINIAC: I heard you were in jail, it's not as if we're not part of the same crew.
MORBO: I'd never join a funky crew named the "Legion of Doom", or ever wear a pink outfit.
BRAINIAC: Those were different times...
MORBO: I have it on record.
MORBO: Well, it has been said in this poll that you were the one responsible for the freezing of the Comics All Too Real blog for a complete 2 month period. Something about you kidnapping the entire staff into one of your bottles.
BRAINIAC: So they say.
MORBO: But is it true?
BRAINIAC: Look at me, as you said a moment ago, I'm a supervillain. I shrink down cities. In some continuities, I've been blamed with the explosion of Krypton among many other worlds. Why on the universe would I even care about a simple human blog?
MORBO: Still, the word is out.
BRAINIAC: Blame the Brainiac, I say! That's the easy thing to do, don't you think? Is there a supervillain in the room? Let's blame him for the bad economy, for the growing baldness and, of course, the freezing of this insignificant blog.
MORBO: Have you taken acting classes?
BRAINIAC: No? Why you ask?
MORBO: It's just that you have a knack for dramatics. I mean, the death of Jonathan Kent in Action Comics #870 certainly points to you as a drama queen, er, drama villain.
BRAINIAC: Again. I couldn't care any less about a simple human.
MORBO: But he was Superman's Terran father.
MORBO: Millions of people read that story just because of Jonathan Kent's death. It kind of sent you to stardom. At this moment, you're almost in line with Lex Luthor and the Joker. Almost.
BRAINIAC: Don't you dare comparing me with two simpletons.
MORBO: There! You see the dramatics?
BRAINIAC: Truth is, I killed the Kent farmer because editorial asked for it. I just couldn't care less about him, but if there's someone to blame, blame Dan Didio.
MORBO: Dan Didio? What a surprise--
MORBO: Nothing, it's just that he's a recurring theme on this column.
BRAINIAC: Well, I can kill him if he bugs you too much.
MORBO: Maybe later. Anyway, I guess you're aware you're responsible of the current New Krypton situation.
BRAINIAC: I guess so, but it was never my intent to create a new planet with the City of Kandor.
MORBO: Are you complaining?
BRAINIAC: I just couldn't care less. It's just that my experiment was about having a bottled city. Like a dollhouse, you know. Superman just brought this issue onto himself.
MORBO: Speaking of Superman, why is it that you insist on battling him? Do you consider him your archenemy?
BRAINIAC: It's the editors' choice to set me against Kal-El over and over again. He has so much drama going on that I think that I do balance him a little. You know, I'm the cold intellect against his crybaby superheroics. I'm the ying to his yang.
MORBO: Uh-- right-- Anyway, what do you think of your portrayal on "Smallville"
BRAINIAC: Blond doesn't suit me well.
MORBO: It could help you cover those weird things in your head-- They're zits, right?
BRAINIAC: *sigh* You confuse me with a human. I may look the part, but I come from Colu, not Earth. I'm so above their Terran little insecurities.
MORBO: Thus, the pink uniform.
BRAINIAC: I think I don't like what you're implying. But now that you're at it, I think you've grown too soft on the humans. You're even acquiring a taste for sarcasm and irony.
MORBO: Irony? As in Alanis Morissette's song, "Isn't it Ironic"?
BRAINIAC: Wha-- You're old, aren't you?
MORBO: Back to your original statement, I work for human entertainment, which doesn't mean I have to like them, something that I definitely don't.
BRAINIAC: And so, you just prove my point.
MORBO: What do you mean?
BRAINIAC: Humans just hate and fear powerful green creatures. The Hulk, Poison Ivy, the entire Skrull race, you, me. And the green skinned ones that were on the side of the angels, like the Martian Manhunter and Jade are just so dead, or in limbo, like Miss Martian. Humans are xenophobic by nature, they will demonize anything that looks different from them. They're very basic. It's easier to destroy what you don't understand than wasting your time trying to figure things out. Oh, and let's not get me started on their intelligence level.
MORBO: Yes, they're pitiful creatures. I'd kill them all if I was allowed, but the producers say it would be bad for the show.
BRAINIAC: You want them dead, don't you?
MORBO: Of course. That's my driving force.
BRAINIAC: And what's stopping you? I only see pathetic humans in this room. Please tell me you're not afraid of them.
MORBO: Of course not.
BRAINIAC: Then again, what's stopping you? Here, take this gun.
MORBO: Nice gun.
BRAINIAC: Shoot the camera man.