Saturday, March 21, 2009

A Flower Vase's Diary

Hello, I'm Flower-Vase Woods. As you might see, I'm a very well built and modern flower vase. I was created under a very exclusive scheme and internationally approved designs, if it wasn't because I was made at China as part of a very big Bokanovskyed lot of flower vases, I could be famous and have my own room at a museum or something. If I may be so bold, I'd like to add that I'm one of the very few flower vases with its very own name. Yeah, I'm proud of it.

You must be already guessing that my brothers and sisters should be so pleased with me, but sadly that's so not true. It happens that I'm the black cheep of the family. I do have this dark secret that sets me apart from my thousands of identical twins-- I'm allergic to pollen.

You can laugh if you want, but this harsh reality I've been forced to live in is not a joke. The first time I got a flower in me, I threw it up. The second chance, they put an Aspirin in my water as if it had some miraculous anti-allergic powers that would make me stop sneezing, which it didn't, by the way. I don't know where they got this idea; but truth is, it just made me feel worse-- Have you kept an Aspirin for a long time in your mouth? That's exactly how it felt to me. Oh, and you have no idea how it was when they tried an Alka-Seltzer on my water-- it was as if I had the rabies. Not fun at all, bordering on humiliation.

Ever since, my life has been complicated. My owners wanted to put me down for good and there was this huge argument at home. The kid said I could work as a bat, the lady seriously considered turning me into a lamp, but the sir insisted that if I wasn’t working as a flower vase, I was worthless. They couldn't make up their minds and all of a sudden I became the new paperweight. Beneath me there were all kind of messages: I'm getting grosseries, don't forget to pay the electricity bill, if Gramms calls tell her you're home alone.

Of course, that was years ago, now they just text their messages away and I'm stuck as some kind of door holder. Yup. They open the door and my task is to keep it open. They shut it down and they just leave me there, lying on the floor. It's anybody's wonder why I'm not broken.

You might guess I lead a sad sad life, that I'm a pathetic flower vase, that I should really consider recycling. But there is something super-special about me that I'm going to share with you. Yup, it's another secret: At night, when everyone's asleep, I put the cape on and I become-- the SuperFlowerVase!

Yeah! I may be allergic to pollen, but I do have super-powers that the most exotic flower vase would die for. I fly through the living room with my Super-Levitation, I watch over the bedrooms with my Sun Flower Vision, I bring fear into Cookie's heart with my Thorny Super-Sarcasm. Cookie is the dog of the house and he is just no puppy, and yes, he does deserve all kind of punishments for all the things he's done to me-- but let's leave this story for another day.

A couple of weeks ago there was this weird guy looking through the window. A burglar? A degenerate? A mutant, maybe? Thing is he was threatening my home, so, I floated right in front of him and gave him the eye. Oh, you don't want to see the eye-- And he just ran away in fear for his life.

At home they might not see any other thing than poor Flower Vase Woods, the sad, allergic flower vase that doesn't know a thing other than staying put. But they don't know about my secret identity. Behind the shy façade of a very generic piece of furniture, there's this all-powerful super-hero blossoming with amazing abilities who would do anything in the world to protect his family from the forces of evil.

Hello, I'm Flower-Vase Woods, it's very probable one of my brothers or sisters live at your place; tell them I said "hi".


Kibita said...

I've been thinking to get one of those!!!

ComicsAllTooReal's Chris said...

You should, they really do their thing around the house.

Ale said...

Flower-Vase Woods... my kind of hero jajajaja... muy bueno Chis. ¡Qué gusto encontrarte!

ComicsAllTooReal's Chris said...

Pues mira qué pequeño es el mundo :) Ya me di una vuelta por tu blog, genial!

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