Saturday, December 27, 2008

The Blue Beetle's Returned Gift

(TELEPHONE RINGS)

ELF: North Pole Central. What can I do for you?

BLUE BEETLE: I have a complaint about a gift. You work in the Costumer Service department, right?

ELF: Yes, I do. What can I help you with?

BB: I wrote a letter to Santa a couple of weeks before Christmas in which I specifically asked him for a "Life Certificate" and I didn't get any.

ELF: What's your name?

BB: I'm the Blue Beetle.

ELF: Let me see-- Jaime Reyes?

BB: NO!

ELF: Dan Garret?

BB: (DEAD SILENCE)

ELF: Oh, there's another one. Ted Kord.

BB: Yeah, that one.

ELF: You did write a very long letter to Santa--

BB: Yeah, I had to make a point--

ELF: "Certificate" should be written with a "C", not an "S". Not that I care, of course.

BB: Look, I specifically asked Santa for this "Life Certificate" because I'm job hunting and everyone thinks I'm dead. I need proof that I'm alive, but no one believes me.

ELF: This doesn't make much sense. Tell them you're alive and that would be it.

BB: No one believes me.

ELF: You have credibility issues.

BB: Blame that Didiot!

ELF: **giggles**

BB: What?

ELF: He got no presents this year.

BB: Anyway, now that we're on the same page. I got this Mortal Kombat vs DC videogame instead of my certificate and I don't even have a PS3.

ELF: That's a cool game!

BB: I'm not in it!

ELF: But it's still cool. Everyone wants it.

BB: I don't!

ELF: Jeez!

BB: Look, Mr. Customer Service guy, I do really need that certificate. Is there any way I could give you this game back and you--

ELF: There's a crisis out there, Mr. Kord.

BB: Yeah, the Final Crisis, but I hear it kinda sucks. Some like it, though, but it's a divided opinion. Just do some Googling and you'll see. You ask me, I'm not even following it. It's kind of over dramatic and depressing and, well, there's no bwah-haha in it, you know--

ELF: No, a real crisis, as in no money, no jobs, no complaints.

BB: What you mean?

ELF: Santa implemented a new policy this year. We're really sorry but we're doing no refunds this time and gifts aren't exchangeable. We did our best to make everyone happy with their presents--

BB: But this is nothing like what I asked for.

ELF: Any kid would be happy with Mortal Kombat vs. DC, it has Superman, Batman, The Joker. God! It even has Deathstroke. It has the coolest characters.

BB: Deathstroke is dead. I think. Unless I didn't read well that Special--

ELF: I hear they did test the characters before choosing the most popular ones. It's a win-win game. Plus it has the most popular Mortal Kombat characters as well. Sub-Zero is my fab. Everyone loves this game.

BB: I know.

ELF: Then, that would be it. Enjoy your game and Merry Christmas!

BB: Wa-wait! Can I speak to your boss? This is really important. Dead people can be brought back. The Spoiler is back, Hal Jordan is back, even big no-no Barry Allen is back! I mean, "no-no" as in editorial never wanting to bring him back, he's a good guy, a little dull, tough, but a good one. I'm more of a Wally person myself. Look, all I need is five minutes with Santa, he'll understand.

ELF: Mr. Claus is taking a nap. He'll be up in 362 days.

BB: But it's an emergency! I can't wait that long! Look, I know people, I can get you a Madonna autograph, a date with Wonder Woman, a trip to the Batcave, just ask whatever you want. I can even bring you Booster Gold to show you your own birth! I'm in the know, you know.

ELF: Get me a date with the Wasp.

BB: Uh-- well-- Did you read the last issue of Secret Invasion? She's-- uh-- she's kinda dead.

ELF: And so are you. Good evening, Mr. Kord.

BB: Wait! I know an elf, I can introduce you to Nightcrawler-- Hello? Hello?


BB: (TURNING TO THE CAMERA) Ohhhhh, this is so not over! If you think I'm giving up so easily, you're so mistaking me with some loser like Aquaman!

AQUAMAN: Hey!

BB: I mean, my point is that I'm not giving up at all!

AQUAMAN: Show more respect, I'm a King.

BB: Yeah, yeah, whatever.

AQUAMAN: Whatever.

BB: It's just that I want to get a job and this is just so freaking frustrating! I'd kill to be in a TV commercial or something.

AQUAMAN: I've done some.

BB: Are they any good?

AQUAMAN: Well-- Let's have some sushi.

BB: Sushi? Wouldn't that be a little cannibalistic for you?

AQUAMAN: Shut up.

3 comments:

Mike Miller said...

Poor Ted Kord, all he wants for Christmas is to "Not be dead".

TF said...

If, by the beginning of the new year, they haven't brought Ted back to life and asked you to write his stories, I shall eat my hat, good sir!

this is hilarious stuff.

ComicsAllTooReal's Chris said...

Yeah, poor Ted, but he just won't give up, that's the thing about him.

And I actually see a team-up in the horizon.

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