ELF: North Pole Central. What can I do for you?
BLUE BEETLE: I have a complaint about a gift. You work in the Costumer Service department, right?
ELF: Yes, I do. What can I help you with?
BB: I wrote a letter to Santa a couple of weeks before Christmas in which I specifically asked him for a "Life Certificate" and I didn't get any.
ELF: What's your name?
BB: I'm the Blue Beetle.
ELF: Let me see-- Jaime Reyes?
ELF: Dan Garret?
BB: (DEAD SILENCE)
ELF: Oh, there's another one. Ted Kord.
BB: Yeah, that one.
ELF: You did write a very long letter to Santa--
BB: Yeah, I had to make a point--
ELF: "Certificate" should be written with a "C", not an "S". Not that I care, of course.
BB: Look, I specifically asked Santa for this "Life Certificate" because I'm job hunting and everyone thinks I'm dead. I need proof that I'm alive, but no one believes me.
ELF: This doesn't make much sense. Tell them you're alive and that would be it.
BB: No one believes me.
ELF: You have credibility issues.
BB: Blame that Didiot!
ELF: He got no presents this year.
BB: Anyway, now that we're on the same page. I got this Mortal Kombat vs DC videogame instead of my certificate and I don't even have a PS3.
ELF: That's a cool game!
BB: I'm not in it!
ELF: But it's still cool. Everyone wants it.
BB: I don't!
BB: Look, Mr. Customer Service guy, I do really need that certificate. Is there any way I could give you this game back and you--
ELF: There's a crisis out there, Mr. Kord.
BB: Yeah, the Final Crisis, but I hear it kinda sucks. Some like it, though, but it's a divided opinion. Just do some Googling and you'll see. You ask me, I'm not even following it. It's kind of over dramatic and depressing and, well, there's no bwah-haha in it, you know--
ELF: No, a real crisis, as in no money, no jobs, no complaints.
BB: What you mean?
ELF: Santa implemented a new policy this year. We're really sorry but we're doing no refunds this time and gifts aren't exchangeable. We did our best to make everyone happy with their presents--
BB: But this is nothing like what I asked for.
ELF: Any kid would be happy with Mortal Kombat vs. DC, it has Superman, Batman, The Joker. God! It even has Deathstroke. It has the coolest characters.
BB: Deathstroke is dead. I think. Unless I didn't read well that Special--
ELF: I hear they did test the characters before choosing the most popular ones. It's a win-win game. Plus it has the most popular Mortal Kombat characters as well. Sub-Zero is my fab. Everyone loves this game.
BB: I know.
ELF: Then, that would be it. Enjoy your game and Merry Christmas!
BB: Wa-wait! Can I speak to your boss? This is really important. Dead people can be brought back. The Spoiler is back, Hal Jordan is back, even big no-no Barry Allen is back! I mean, "no-no" as in editorial never wanting to bring him back, he's a good guy, a little dull, tough, but a good one. I'm more of a Wally person myself. Look, all I need is five minutes with Santa, he'll understand.
ELF: Mr. Claus is taking a nap. He'll be up in 362 days.
BB: But it's an emergency! I can't wait that long! Look, I know people, I can get you a Madonna autograph, a date with Wonder Woman, a trip to the Batcave, just ask whatever you want. I can even bring you Booster Gold to show you your own birth! I'm in the know, you know.
ELF: Get me a date with the Wasp.
BB: Uh-- well-- Did you read the last issue of Secret Invasion? She's-- uh-- she's kinda dead.
ELF: And so are you. Good evening, Mr. Kord.
BB: Wait! I know an elf, I can introduce you to Nightcrawler-- Hello? Hello?
BB: (TURNING TO THE CAMERA) Ohhhhh, this is so not over! If you think I'm giving up so easily, you're so mistaking me with some loser like Aquaman!
BB: I mean, my point is that I'm not giving up at all!
AQUAMAN: Show more respect, I'm a King.
BB: Yeah, yeah, whatever.
BB: It's just that I want to get a job and this is just so freaking frustrating! I'd kill to be in a TV commercial or something.
AQUAMAN: I've done some.
BB: Are they any good?
AQUAMAN: Well-- Let's have some sushi.
BB: Sushi? Wouldn't that be a little cannibalistic for you?
AQUAMAN: Shut up.