The Blue Beetle's Returned Gift

(TELEPHONE RINGS)

ELF: North Pole Central. What can I do for you?

BLUE BEETLE: I have a complaint about a gift. You work in the Costumer Service department, right?

ELF: Yes, I do. What can I help you with?

BB: I wrote a letter to Santa a couple of weeks before Christmas in which I specifically asked him for a "Life Certificate" and I didn't get any.

ELF: What's your name?

BB: I'm the Blue Beetle.

ELF: Let me see-- Jaime Reyes?

BB: NO!

ELF: Dan Garret?

BB: (DEAD SILENCE)

ELF: Oh, there's another one. Ted Kord.

BB: Yeah, that one.

ELF: You did write a very long letter to Santa--

BB: Yeah, I had to make a point--

ELF: "Certificate" should be written with a "C", not an "S". Not that I care, of course.

BB: Look, I specifically asked Santa for this "Life Certificate" because I'm job hunting and everyone thinks I'm dead. I need proof that I'm alive, but no one believes me.

ELF: This doesn't make much sense. Tell them you're alive and that would be it.

BB: No one believes me.

ELF: You have credibility issues.

BB: Blame that Didiot!

ELF: **giggles**

BB: What?

ELF: He got no presents this year.

BB: Anyway, now that we're on the same page. I got this Mortal Kombat vs DC videogame instead of my certificate and I don't even have a PS3.

ELF: That's a cool game!

BB: I'm not in it!

ELF: But it's still cool. Everyone wants it.

BB: I don't!

ELF: Jeez!

BB: Look, Mr. Customer Service guy, I do really need that certificate. Is there any way I could give you this game back and you--

ELF: There's a crisis out there, Mr. Kord.

BB: Yeah, the Final Crisis, but I hear it kinda sucks. Some like it, though, but it's a divided opinion. Just do some Googling and you'll see. You ask me, I'm not even following it. It's kind of over dramatic and depressing and, well, there's no bwah-haha in it, you know--

ELF: No, a real crisis, as in no money, no jobs, no complaints.

BB: What you mean?

ELF: Santa implemented a new policy this year. We're really sorry but we're doing no refunds this time and gifts aren't exchangeable. We did our best to make everyone happy with their presents--

BB: But this is nothing like what I asked for.

ELF: Any kid would be happy with Mortal Kombat vs. DC, it has Superman, Batman, The Joker. God! It even has Deathstroke. It has the coolest characters.

BB: Deathstroke is dead. I think. Unless I didn't read well that Special--

ELF: I hear they did test the characters before choosing the most popular ones. It's a win-win game. Plus it has the most popular Mortal Kombat characters as well. Sub-Zero is my fab. Everyone loves this game.

BB: I know.

ELF: Then, that would be it. Enjoy your game and Merry Christmas!

BB: Wa-wait! Can I speak to your boss? This is really important. Dead people can be brought back. The Spoiler is back, Hal Jordan is back, even big no-no Barry Allen is back! I mean, "no-no" as in editorial never wanting to bring him back, he's a good guy, a little dull, tough, but a good one. I'm more of a Wally person myself. Look, all I need is five minutes with Santa, he'll understand.

ELF: Mr. Claus is taking a nap. He'll be up in 362 days.

BB: But it's an emergency! I can't wait that long! Look, I know people, I can get you a Madonna autograph, a date with Wonder Woman, a trip to the Batcave, just ask whatever you want. I can even bring you Booster Gold to show you your own birth! I'm in the know, you know.

ELF: Get me a date with the Wasp.

BB: Uh-- well-- Did you read the last issue of Secret Invasion? She's-- uh-- she's kinda dead.

ELF: And so are you. Good evening, Mr. Kord.

BB: Wait! I know an elf, I can introduce you to Nightcrawler-- Hello? Hello?


BB: (TURNING TO THE CAMERA) Ohhhhh, this is so not over! If you think I'm giving up so easily, you're so mistaking me with some loser like Aquaman!

AQUAMAN: Hey!

BB: I mean, my point is that I'm not giving up at all!

AQUAMAN: Show more respect, I'm a King.

BB: Yeah, yeah, whatever.

AQUAMAN: Whatever.

BB: It's just that I want to get a job and this is just so freaking frustrating! I'd kill to be in a TV commercial or something.

AQUAMAN: I've done some.

BB: Are they any good?

AQUAMAN: Well-- Let's have some sushi.

BB: Sushi? Wouldn't that be a little cannibalistic for you?

AQUAMAN: Shut up.